Holidays & relationships: We’re heeeeere! – Omaha World

MATT HANEY/THE WORLD-HERALD

Published Saturday December 3, 2011

By Michael O’Connor
WORLD-HERALD STAFF WRITER

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Read Kathy Koch Joyce’s blog that has tips for houseguests and hosts alike this holiday season.

House guest tips

Don’t:

›› Show up before or after your scheduled arrival time unless you call in advance.

›› Bring a pet even an outdoor animal without asking.

›› Expect your hosts to take time off work to show you around.

›› Forget to express your gratitude, preferably during your visit and in a thank-you note.

Do:

›› Talk about your travel plans before you arrive. Your hosts will want to know whether you are planning to see things on your own or relying on them for assistance and transportation. If they don’t mention sightseeing or day trips, ask about the possibility of spending a day or two together to explore local landmarks.

›› Mention any medical conditions or dietary restrictions that would affect meal planning. Offer to bring any special foods, such as gluten-free pasta, so that your hosts don’t have to look for them.

›› Bring a gift or offer to treat your hosts to dinner. If your budget is limited, consider bringing a family memento, photographs or another gift with personal meaning.

›› Offer to help around the house. If they say, “No, thanks,” they mean it.

›› Clean up after yourselves.

›› Make sure your children behave.

›› Invite your hosts to stay at your home on a future visit.

Sources: Nancy Parode, who covers senior travel for about.com; AAA

Lumpy hide-a-beds. Headache-inducing chats. Annoying uncles.

Staying with relatives during the holidays can rattle your nerves and leave you hunting for the extra-strength Tylenol.

Deciding whether to stay with family or book a hotel room during your out-of-town visit becomes a tough choice for many people.

Stay with Mom and you might burst after she reminds you once again that you should have married a doctor. Reserve a room at the hotel and Mom might feel snubbed — not to mention the expense involved.

“Getting together can be a joyful experience but also presents a lot of opportunities for conflict,” said Catherine Huddleston-Casas, associate professor of Child, Youth and Family Studies at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. “What you want to come away with are relationships that have been maintained or strengthened.”

It’s essential to consider not just your goals and expectations for the visit, but also those of the relatives you’re heading to see, she said.

You might feel fine hopping in and out of Grandma’s house from a hotel. But she might be expecting to spend every minute with the grandkids.

While it carries potential drawbacks, staying with relatives provides intimacy that can’t be matched at the Hampton Inn. Maybe it comes from sipping coffee in the morning around the kitchen table while everyone’s still in pajamas. Maybe it’s the young cousins feeling like they’re at a slumber party.

Kristine Aitmassaoud of Bellevue found the right balance for her family.

Every other Thanksgiving, her family piles in the car and travels to Louisiana to visit her brother’s family for a few days. Aitmassaoud’s family spends a couple of nights at her brother’s home and a couple at a hotel.

Aitmassaoud said splitting time between her brother’s place and a hotel was her idea. Her brother and sister-in-law are hospitable and urged Aitmassaoud to spend the whole time with them.

But Aitmassaoud discovered that her 50-50 approach to lodging was best for everyone.

She and her husband have four kids ages 13 months, 8, 9 and 12. When her family walks in the door, it’s like an invading army.

The 8- and 9-year-olds, both boys, wrestle and poke each other when they get bored.

“They are like wild animals sometimes,” she said.

And her kids are picky eaters, she said, which can make it challenging for the host and stressful for mom. One year some of her kids didn’t want to eat her sister-in-law’s cornbread stuffing.

After a while, the adults run out things to talk about, the dishes start to pile up and the kids don’t want to share anymore.

Retreating to the hotel provides a break for everyone, Aitmassaoud said. “The stress can get a little high.”

But Aitmassaoud said she wouldn’t want to spend the whole visit at the hotel.

On nights when her family stays with her brother, the adults get time for quiet conversation after the kids go to bed. Her children feel like they’re having a sleepover with her brother’s 5-year-old daughter.

“It gives you a chance to bond,” she said.

You’ll also save some cash. Hotel rates can run from $50 to $60 per night to more than $100.

Nancy Parode, who covers senior travel for about.com, said it’s likely more families are staying with relatives during holiday visits these days because of the tight economy.

If that’s the case, she said, there are easy ways to give guests and hosts alike a break.

Take a walk, run an errand or go to a movie. Take the kids to a park or ice skating.

Huddleston-Casas, the UNL professor, said it’s important for families to be honest with themselves and their relatives when deciding where to stay.

“Any family that feels (a hotel stay) is the right thing to do should be congratulated for knowing that about themselves.”

Some families might know the hotel is the best option, Huddleston-Casas said, but don’t want to hurt Grandma’s feelings.

She said you can explain the decision in a positive way.

If you have young children, for example, you could say that they’ll be in a better mood because they can take longer naps at a hotel, enabling the relatives to enjoy the grandkids more.

But don’t be dishonest. If you say the hotel stay is necessary because of a pet allergy that really doesn’t exist, that could come back to bite you.

If you plan to stay at a hotel, emphasize to your relatives that no matter where you sleep, seeing them is the reason for the trip, said Joshua Coleman, a psychologist and co-chairman of the Council on Contemporary Families based at the University of Miami. If the relatives are reasonable, they’ll understand.

And they just might be glad you’re bunking elsewhere.

“The (host) family,” he said, “may feel secretly relieved.”

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